Ahh, Thanksgiving is here. The seemingly endless few hours where you are forced to not fight with your sister like you’re 11-years-old, where you must try to simultaneously drink enough wine to get through the evening yet not bring suspicions that you may be an alcoholic, and the day where you must listen to your grandpa’s boring stories again while feigning attention.
It would be easy to wrangle up a few fall outfits for the holiday if it wasn’t for some of these pesky above issues looming about. The possibility of a brawl, of spilled red wine and a cheaply heated home can seriously inhibit your fashion choices. However, there is hope.
1. Do not wear white.
No white pants and no white, or otherwise lightly-colored sweaters, because you’re soon going to be so drunk that red wine is going to be spilling all over you. It’s way easier to hide a drunken stumble over a black blouse, trust me.
2. Do not wear anything too revealing.
You’re not going to the prom – you’re going to Thanksgiving, where there is pretty much a zero percent chance you’re going to meet any men unless you’re a holiday drifter and you got it right and avoided a family gathering on this special day. You don’t want anyone’s weird uncle hitting on you in a wine stupor so just bypass the whole mishap so keep the cleavage hidden.
3. Do not wear anything too tight.
You do realize this is a holiday focused on eating, right? The last thing you need is a protruding belly dipping out under your tight shirt. Ew. Please just join the rest of us and wear something classily baggy. You can thank me later.
4. Do not wear a skirt or dress with bare legs.
Although this would be a pleasantly cute outfit according to Pinterest, it doesn’t work out too well in practice since it’s winter and Thanksgiving hosts like to cheap it out and crank the heat down. Put on a pair of pants.
5. Do not wear anything too bright.
This isn’t an EDM concert – it’s Thanksgiving, and if you didn’t get the memo, it’s about pilgrims and Indians. No neon pinks, yellows or blues – scrap together some neutrals instead.